07 Oct I see you Mama
I grew up very self conscious. I struggled with my weight since I was young. I was always searching the plus size section in stores and felt ashamed when the largest size in the “normal” section didn’t fit. I struggled with depression for a very long time. I went to therapy and eventually found myself in an adolescent unit for a small portion of my senior year of high school, which was interesting because my senior year was by far one of my most successful years both academically and artistically.
It was such a deep issue for me to find self love and understand that I am a beautiful woman. And I AM worthy.
When Bobby and I got married, I was at my heaviest weight. The way he loved me, accepted me and pushed me up helped incredibly. However, it took more than someone I loved telling me these things. It took ME. I needed to see this and I needed to become aware. When I found out that I would potentially have issues getting pregnant and making it through a healthy pregnancy, I just about lost it. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. So hearing those words froze time and the sounds around me muffled with my anxiety and pain creeping back in. I had two very different decisions to make right at that moment.
1) Continue to ignore myself and be overtaken by self hate, or,
2) Make the change. Search deep within myself and find the soul that I know is a beautiful one. And then love that soul harder than what I think is possible.
I chose number two.
I started to finally look in the mirror. I started to finally hold my head high. I started to finally fill my body with love and nourishment both physically and emotionally. I started to FINALLY live. Then 80 pounds lost later, a beautiful heartbeat echoed in my womb. The heartbeat that was waiting in my soul to be unleashed.
The heartbeat that pulses through my Maci Ann.
I was up last night with Maci and though exhausted, I couldn’t help but have thoughts racing through my head as I stared at her. I thought about how I hoped she would grow to love herself the way I love her. These thoughts then transitioned into the other mamas of the world who were a lot like me. Plus sized and pregnant, desperately looking for that perfectly round baby bump for the perfect photo. I thought about the plus sized postpartum women like me, desperately looking for other women like them. Constantly comparing themselves and not taking a moment to love themselves a little bit harder for even just a moment. Then these thoughts turned into a repetitive line in my head.
Sometimes when you don’t look a certain way, you can feel invisible. Or you THINK you look a certain way, a way that doesn’t match what you think is beautiful. But you are not invisible. And you are not alone.
I see you, mama. Looking in the mirror picking at everything you see.
I see you, mama. Wondering why you don’t look like the other women on your Instagram feed.
I see you, mama. Assuming you aren’t worthy enough to post that photo showing off your curves.
I see you, mama. Giving into temptation because you think it’s what your body deserves.
I see you, mama. Forgetting how beautiful you truly are in every single way.
I see you, mama. Crying in the shower almost every single day.
I see you, mama. Afraid of comments that could potentially be hateful.
I see you, mama. Holding in your feelings about your body because someone might tell you that you’re ungrateful.
I see you, mama.
And let me remind you today. You ARE a BEAUTIFUL woman, in every single way.